New Year’s Eve

I abhor this day. Almost as much as Valentine’s Day. With the exception of while I was married, I’ve spent only one New Year’s Eve that I can remember with someone special. That was two years ago. Oddly, it was with someone who broke up with her boyfriend the following day and I became the boyfriend of someone else a week later. That was probably one of, if not the, best New Year’s of my life.

Other than that exception, I hate New Year’s Eve. I know it should be about celebrating the new year with friends and even family. But for me it’s a reminder I’m starting a new year alone again. Almost always has been. Being single and wasting my love on someone who’s unavailable, is exacerbating my bitterness today.

If ever I could be drugged enough to maintain an escape from reality for more than 24 hours, today’s that day.

I’m not supposed to drink tonight. My weight loss challenge is only in a couple days and I need to be good for a decent progress check-in. However, I’m so irrationally angry, sad, hurt, bitter, rejected… A bottle of vodka might be my best companion tonight.

“One of Those Days” by Joshua Radin

"Wait right here,"
Is all she said to me
And so right here I stay

Time has reached our home
And I've been left alone
It's carried her away

And everyone keeps saying,
"Nothing helps but time"
Time is all I own

And time won't stop replaying
Over in my mind
I watch the hours slow down

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away, I know I can't take it
'Cause I see now, it's just one of those days

Now a year has passed
Alone I stay inside
And I await the rain

To wash away your face
So I don't have to hide
The sight of you is painful

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away, I know I can't take it anymore
'Cause I see now, it's just one of those days

And I can't stop seeing your face
I can't stop seeing your face every place

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away, I know I can't take it anymore
'Cause I see now, it's just one of those days

Irrelevant substitute

Along the lines of Subway's lame "6 grams of fat" sandwiches vs. McDonald's Big Mac burgers, why do people try to substitute something for another that is not like it?

I hardly drink it now, but I used to drink Dr. Pepper a lot.  When I'd order it at a restaurant that didn't serve it, 99% of the time the server would say "We don't have Dr. Pepper. But we have root beer."  Why would you offer me root beer?  Why not just offer me a regular cola?  Why is root beer almost always offered as a substitute for Dr. Pepper?  It's no more similar to it than regular cola.

If I wanted root beer, I'd order it.  Just about every restaurant has root beer. That's common sense.  So why not just simply say, "I'm sorry. We don't have Dr. Pepper" and let me decide what I'll replace it with?

Twilight “saga”

Ugh. ‘Nuff said.

Inconsiderate, lazy tenants

Yesterday and today I've already seen a few Christmas trees left near the trash chutes (on the third floor) at my apartment complex. How hard is it to take your tree down to the first floor and drop it off near the dumpster inside the parking structure?!  It's bad enough that the employees of the apartment complex break down boxes nearly every day because people are so lazy to do it themselves and therefore just drop boxes next to the recycle chute. 

It's ridiculous! Have some consideration and cart the tree down the stairs or even the elevator.  It's not really an extra step for the cleaning crew to sweep up the pine needles you'll inevitably leave behind. They have to clean those corridors anyway. But for them to go out of their way to haul someone else's Christmas tree is unnecessary. It's like I'm living either in a dorm where all the college kids don't give a crap about anything and haven't learned to wipe their own asses, or I'm living in a pseudo upper-class high-rise where the tenants think they only have to put forth minimal effort for menial tasks. "Jeeves! I don't want to touch the tree; I only wanted to look at it. I'm finished now. Dispose of this tree for me."

Notivation

I think I’m having my midlife crisis. I’m starting to fully realize I’ve failed at my potential for doing great and/or fulfilling things with my life. I’ve never been motivated to go beyond my comfort zone and pursue a passion. (See my last post for some examples.)

This morning, a random memory popped into my head. After I moved to California, a friend of mine I met in my freshman year of college at Western Washington University and I were chatting online. He said that we should both try to pursue jobs in radio together—that between the two of us someone had to be interested in or at least mildly entertained by our banter. (If only we knew about the future of podcasting!)  He eventually moved to Los Angeles, pursued acting for a bit and ended up doing improvisational comedy for quite a few years before he moved back to Seattle and settled down with a family.  I did… nothing really. I stayed comfortable. Worked regular jobs just to pay debt that I kept accruing.

Notivation. It’s my new word for no motivation. And I want to believe it’s a genetic defect with which I was born.

HATE SUNDAYS!

Have I mentioned I hate Sundays before? I still do. Not exactly for the same reasons as I’ve said before, although I still do waste most of my day doing nothing productive (and when I am productive, I get no sense of satisfaction from it any more). 

No, now it’s because I live alone and everyone I know seems to have a family or significant other they can spend their Sunday with.  And I don’t.  I’m OK with living alone, I’m just sick of being alone.

And I’m sick of being sick of being alone, if that makes any sense whatsoever.

Destination: Procrastination

For over a year, I've had an increasing desire to give a lot of things up.  Things.  Possessions. Stuff.  Clutter. Having things lying around disorganized around my place presents subconscious distractions. I feel unsettled when things aren't in order, like I have a list of things I still need to get done, an calmness to restore. But I haven't really done much about it.

When I watch movies, I get kind of choked up when the story has a character who gives all their free time and efforts into building up another person or saving their life.  It affects me for some reason.  I'd like to think there's still a lot of good in this world and that somehow I can be a part of it.  I've thought about volunteering at a food/homeless shelter, especially around the holidays.  But I haven't really done much about it.

I used to go to the bookstore and browse traveling books with a focus on making a difference in the world.  Books that outlined traveling around the globe for volunteering purposes.  I thought about starting a Smartypig goal for something like that.  But I haven't really done much about it.

I went to a community college a few years ago to inquire about a sign language translator certification course, even so far as to obtain my transcripts from previous colleges I attended. I've even gone to the LA Recording School to see how interesting it would be to work in audio engineering/production. I have the desire to go back to school. But I haven't really done much else about it.

I've bought a guitar twice in my life with the intention of learning how to play an instrument. I sold my first guitar and my second guitar is collecting dust in a storage closet. And I often think about buying a piano because I feel it'd be easier to start learning with that instead of a guitar. But I haven't really done much about it.

I complain so often about being single, wishing for someone to be with again, and have often thought about setting up an online dating profile at the very least just to meet new people and possibly gain friends. But I haven't really done much about it.