I miss…

I don't necessarily miss being married much any more. But I do miss the companionship of someone I care about living with me. Even though it got to a point where I felt like we were roommates more than spouses, at least there were things we still did together and I enjoyed.  It's probably due to the fact that I'm living alone now and know there won't be someone else coming home at some point in the day/night that I can hang out with. And since then, I've only had one "steady" relationship since being divorced, two occasionally intimate friendships, and one heartbreakingly complicated friendship with yet another.  But the moments I've spent with any of them, not just my ex-wife, when it was just me and the other and no one else was around (or at least felt like no one else was), those are the moments I miss so much lately.

I miss cooking dinner for myself and someone else.
I miss being surprised with dinner if I got home from work after she did.
I miss spending time together watching a show I would never watch on my own.
I miss spending time together watching a show we both love to watch.
I miss driving to random places for no reason whatsoever other than to just spend time together driving around.
I miss driving aimlessly for over an hour, even though she fell asleep.
I miss waiting until everyone else left a get-together so we'd be the only ones left, and I could take her home because it meant she was mine for at least a little while.
I miss reading together in bed.
I miss trying new restaurants together, even if the restaurant was part of a gas station and we had to wait so long we went over our hour lunch break.
I miss talking cutesy to each other.
I miss sleeping in the same bed.
I miss cuddling on the couch, in the bed and once in a while, even in the car.
I miss when she straddled me in the car.
I miss make-up sex.
I miss random occurrences of cleaning every nook and cranny of our place at 4 am in the morning like we were a couple of crackheads, but laughing at ourselves because we knew how ridiculous it was.
I miss laughing so hard and loud in a restaurant that other patrons are asking what our discussion is about.
I miss random trips to the beach after work in the middle of the week.
I miss random trips to the beach at night just we could smoke cigarettes and get coffee and donuts.
I miss random walks to concerts in the park.
I miss not having any plans on a Saturday morning, within minutes turning into a random trip up to Lake Arrowhead for the day.
I miss stargazing together.
I miss putting thought into birthday presents for someone I care about.
I miss going to the "OC Marketplace" (aka swap meet) and neither one of us having interest in what the other wanted to look at, but we'd always agree on what produce we'd buy there.
I miss moving her stuff from one apartment to another.
I miss driving 20 minutes or more together just to get pizza.
I miss driving 20 minutes away just so we could sit at a Starbucks that stayed open past 10pm.
I miss showering together.
I miss giving massages.
I miss making playlists for her.
I miss seeing her try on outfits in a boutique.
I miss seeing her naked.
I miss stealing kisses when no one else was looking.
I miss drawing a bubble bath for her and setting candles all around the tub.
I miss spending an entire day at a restaurant from just after opening until closing because the conversation never stopped.
I miss staring at each other in silence, with only an occasional giggle.
I miss feeling loved.