Challenge accepted.

I accepted my trainer's challenge: To lose 70 pounds within 7 months.  He sweetened the deal yesterday—more for pride than anything of substantial value to me—by adding that he'll do 5 burpees for every pound I go beyond 70 pounds.

It should be doable, even with the gain in muscle mass. No more beers though. That's rough for football season.  I'll have to limit my drinking to one night a week and only vodka/sodas. I'm also going to try to give up diet soda or at the very least severely restrict my intake of it and instead start looking into flavored, sparkling water. And definitely no more desserts, except maybe on Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

Oh crap, and no more Frappuccinos!  

What have I gotten myself into?!

Another fitness challenge

Yup. Another challenge. I'm a sucker for these things, even if I'm not optimistic about winning. This time, my gym's co-owner (who is also the trainer for my usual class) proposed a challenge to me. He asked me what my current weight was and I told him. He asked my goal weight, which I told him to be about 85 pounds lighter.  Then he proposed the challenge:  "If you lose 70 pounds in 7 months, I'll give you a free year membership. That's just 10 pounds a month which is do-able."

At first, I was excited at the thought. 10 lbs. a month? Yeah, I should be able to do that if I focus.  Of course, since he was putting something on the line, he expects me to do the same if I don't pass the challenge.  He gave me a few suggestions, one of them paying for a year's worth of membership in a lump cash sum at the end of the challenge. Hmm. It would be a pain in my wallet, but it's money I'd be paying anyway over the course of a year. I think I could do that. It's probably going to be the easiest option if I'm to put anything on the line. I could save up for the amount I'll have to pay and if I win, that's a nice chunk of bonus money for me as a reward. 

However, I started thinking more about it. My original goal was to lose 85 lbs. I only have to lose 70 lbs. But that would be without gaining any muscle mass. If I'm exercising 3 to 4 times a week and eating right, I'll be gaining lean body weight.  How much muscle would I gain? Is it possible I'd gain enough in muscle mass that I wouldn't lose enough weight in shedding fat to break the 70-pound goal?  As it is, I've been wavering around the same weight for a few weeks now while my belt gets tighter and tighter. I can't imagine I'm gaining enough muscle to compensate for a lack of decrease in weight on the scale, but I can't argue with the evidence. Another thing to consider is the difficulty of staying on track with a diet of some sort, or at least healthy eating, while getting through the holiday season. It also means cutting out alcohol—at the very least, beer.

I'm pretty sure I'll accept the challenge.  The reward is worth it. It’s not really a loss if I lose the challenge the way my trainer suggested. But my mentality needs to be that I'll win. Focus!

Maybe a hiatus is in order

My blogs have become too personal in nature.  I wanted this to be mostly about my random rants that are more than the 140 characters that Twitter allows. And nothing that serious. It turned into a theater of my pessimistic nature welling back up and haunting me.

So I’m going to take a break.  If I have a silly rant, maybe I’ll post it.  But everything else needs to be vented elsewhere, to someone who can give me feedback, advice, and support as well as admonition and accountability.

Seeking help

I’ve been thinking in ways that are far too irrational. Almost everything is coming from emotion that completely lacks in confidence and optimism, and seems to get rooted further in distrust. It’s to the point where I could be damaging relationships around me and thinking in ways I haven’t thought in three years.

So I finally made the call to a counselor for help. I need someone to talk to who has at least some training and practical ways for me to handle my issues in a healthy way.

I’m a little scared.  I’m scared because it means dealing with truths I don’t want to face.  It means letting go of things or people I’m not ready to let go of yet.  On the other hand, it means being reminded that I’m worth something. It means being encouraged and given support to take action and not wait on anyone else.

It means something has to change.

“You’re such a good guy…”

I hate when people tell me "Don't worry, you'll find the right girl."  I know the intention is good and yes it's nice to hear, but it's just bullshit.  No one can ever tell me what my future has in store for me and saying that doesn't make me feel any better about it.

One of my close friends that was in town this week told me I'm the "best catch in the world," that I'm the "greatest guy a girl could want." She said this in front of her boyfriend who had to jokingly interject with, "You mean second best, right?" And as good as it felt to hear my friend tell me how important I am and as heartfelt as she meant it, it's harder and harder for me to believe such a thing.  

It seems I'm usually clicking with women who are already in relationships.  I've even been accused of making that my modus operandi though I disagree (and can prove it!)  My friends and family know I want someone in my life, to be my support system and for me to give my everything to.  I understand they want me to be happy and so they'll encourage me by saying I'll find that special woman someday; that I shouldn't waste time on the ones that are in relationships no matter how well I click with them.  Maybe I've become too picky. Maybe I'm too difficult to be accepted. But when someone fits the mold pretty damn close, I consider that perfect and it's hard to let that go.

I'm not even sure the point of this rant.  But I was watching an episode of Glee (yeah, so what?!), and there's a scene between the characters Emma and Will Scheuster. Will's apologizing for the Britney number he did to impress Emma to prove he wasn't so uptight.  Emma responds that he just needed to relax and that he's the best teacher in the school, so "why would you want to be someone else, when the someone that you already are is so amazing?"  I think it's Will's response that summarizes how I've felt when I've shared my feelings with a woman to whom I’m attracted but doesn't feel the same about me.  "Because the boring someone I already am wasn't good enough for you."

That's how I feel I guess. I know I have faults. I know those faults are why I overreact in some situations. But I also know I'd be a good boyfriend. I could be a great boyfriend. I wasn't the best husband, but I was a good one. And I would be a better one now.  There was a lot I learned.  I'm still learning now. But I want to better myself with someone now, not because of someone.  Maybe I know that when I meet the right woman, all the time I'll have been waiting will be worth it.  That's quite romantic in thought. But the question is, how much longer do I have to wait? And the pathetic answer I seem to be coming up with lately is, however long it takes until I create an online dating profile. :(

I’m far too emotional

I’m turning into a fucking drama queen. My tweets are solid proof of that.

It’s no secret I’m crazy about a girl who, for now at least, can only be my friend though it’s very hard to let go of the feelings I have for her. Last night I was able to spend some quiet, alone time with her. For that bit of time, I felt peaceful. It’s also times like those that make it incredibly hard to feel happy the next day, when it feels like there’s a void in my life, when my mind can’t do anything but remember how alive I felt the night before and how empty it feels when I wake up alone.

I was randomly watching TV this morning and ended up on CMT, watching the Top 20 Countdown. Country music can keep me in a good mood when I’m already feeling good. But if I’m in any emotional state of mind (does that even make sense?) it’s the worst thing for me to listen to. It instantly becomes cliché. I watched a video from Lady Antebellum called “Just a Kiss.” I rewound(?) it on my DVR and watched the video 3 times again while looking up the lyrics. The very first verse couldn’t have been more spot on to describe the time with my friend last night. So? I cried. Because I’m getting too emotional over her. It’s a sinking feeling when I can’t do anything about the one I want so terribly to spend all my waking hours with. Today’s going to be a hard day despite pretending to be happy around friends this afternoon.

Lady Antebellum – “Just A Kiss”
(copied from azlyrics.com)

Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile

I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this
Let's just take it slow

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

I know that if we give this a little time
It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

No I don't want to say goodnight
I know it's time to leave, but you'll be in my dreams
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, oh, let's do this right, with just a kiss goodnight
With a kiss goodnight
Kiss goodnight