Running low on creative gas.

I have some rants and random thoughts scribbled here and there (technically typed in my Evernote), but nothing solid enough to make a blog post. Then I remembered I had a few "blog" postings from way back in the day on MySpace, circa 2006. I think I shall post some until I get some thoughts organized.

Valentine shmalentine!

Just a friendly reminder that this a blog of rants, and not at all eloquently written.  It's pure babble, OK?

I don't know the history of Saint Valentine.  I don't really care to take the time to find out.  But there's really one main reason I dislike Valentine's Day.  It's a marketing gimmick.  Most holidays are, but this one preys so heavily I think it only comes second to Christmas (maybe third to Halloween) in its pervasive nature.  At least there's a "reason for the season."  But with Valentine's Day, not so much.  It's entirely for greeting card and candy companies, florists, and jewelers to pressure consumers to buy affection from their loved ones, sparks of interests, or what have you.  It's advertising at its finest.  They influence you to think, "If I don't buy this product, it means I must not care for my loved one as much as I say.  What will others think if I'm the only one who doesn't send flowers or candy to them? I haven't been very romantic all year; whatever I buy this day will make up for it!"  The only action that speaks louder than words on Valentine's Day is the act of buying.  If you really care for the person you're with, you don't wait for only one day a year to impress them.  Who you are and your actions every day make you desirable.  Romantic suprises throughout the year make your relationship thrive.

On the other hand, I won't deny that not having a Valentine for Valentine's Day stings me a little.  It's a reminder to me that I don't have a special someone of my own to spend Valentine's Day with, especially when last year I did.   It's even worse when I have an infatuation with someone and she is unavailable. (Story of my life and fodder for another blog post.) This year, I spent it with a date-rejected buddy of mine as well as a couple of other bartender friends working the other side of the bar.  I raged (half-jokingly) against Valentine's Day by getting drunk and putting bitter, anti-love songs on the jukebox. I shot pool. I joked. I laughed. I had fun. But I still went home alone.

Two years ago or so, when I held so tightly to a much more hopeless view of my life, I created an "Anti-Valentine" iTunes playlist.  It hasn't changed much.  I still add songs to it if I think about it, because I still listen to it when I feel a little heartache now and then. And because they're fun to sing to (alone of course). I won't apologize for any of them being cheesy either!

Heart - “Alone”
Miranda Lambert - “Kerosene”
Orgy - “Blue Monday”
Rolling Stones - “She’s So Cold”
Paramore - “Misery Business”
Dramarama - "Anything, Anything (I'll Give You)"
Marilyn Manson - "Tainted Love"
Plain White T's - "Hate (I Really Don't Like You)"
Justin Timberlake - "What Goes Around..."
The All-American Rejects - "Gives You Hell"
OneRepublic - "Apologize"
Kanye West - "Heartless"
Three Days Grace - "Pain"
Alice In Chains - "Nutshell"
Jimmy Eat World - "Get It Faster"
Fleetwood Mac - "Go Your Own Way"
Keith Urban - "You'll Think Of Me"
Linkin Park - "Valentine's Day"
Anberlin - "Feel Good Drag"
Metallica - "Die, Die My Darling"
Little Big Town - "Good As Gone"

Taking a step

One of my resolutions for this year was to read more books.  I just took a step that will hopefully force (uh, motivate?) me to do so.  I reduced my Netflix subscription from 3 DVDs at a time to 1 at a time, with unlimited streaming of course.  Most of what's available to stream is pretty crappy so I'll pretty much be watching one good movie per week, not including any theater visits.  Considering some of my friends live and die on TV, movies, and pop culture references, this may alienate me a little bit from some conversations.  I don't care.  When I make an honest evaluation of TV, it's a time sink and a brainsuck to spend time watching it alone.  I'm not a hypocrite.  I've enjoy watching TV shows and movies.  It's a great escape from reality 20 to 40 minutes at a time, but I'm also very aware by the evidence of clutter around me that I'm not accomplishing anything of value while watching it either.  It takes me longer to process information.  I'm not a quick reader.  I to devote more to reading.  And that means less time viewing.

Over the past few weeks, I've also been cutting the number of movies down in my Netflix queue.  It was maxed out at 500 for such a long time, I had all extra movies I wanted to watch "eventually" saved in a Google Notebook list.  My pack-rat nature had taken over. It started to feel like an overwhelming to-do list rather than a list of movies I truly wanted to watch and enjoy.  By cutting down the list, I think I've brought it to where, psychologically, I don't feel I have to get through a movie or two every day to stay ahead of my ever-growing queue.

I didn't put much thought into this post. Obviously not a rant.  Just a blurb.  Time to read a chapter or two.

The Ex

When I say "my ex," I'm usually referring to my ex-wife.  It's her birthday today, so I'm going to post a little about her.

I was married from December 28th, 1998 until July 15th (or was it 16th?), 2006. I was 22 when I got married. And I was immature. And a lot of other dumb things, I'm sure. I was 30 when I got divorced—and still immature.  I'm not delving into the history of my marriage, but needless to say my ex-wife and I developed differences that made a healthy marriage difficult to maintain.

So it's strange for most people to hear me say that my ex-wife is one of my best friends.  We're not buddy-buddy, "Hey let's go spend the afternoon playing some mini-golf for the hell of it," best friends. The fact she lives in another state makes that unfeasible anyway. But she is one of the few people I can really trust and rely upon.  She's incredibly smart, humorous, nurturing, crafty, skillful, grounded, and has the most common sense of anyone I've known.  She's beautiful.  She's helpful when I ask for help. She's quiet when I just want to vent. She emails me tons of informative stuff, quite often hooking me up with some good deals, or at least letting me know about them. (I'm a Google whore and since she's also gaga for Google, I learn a lot of cool stuff about Gmail, etc. from her). I can be quite open with her about my thoughts or feelings regarding people or circumstances. I'm able to receive criticism or praise from her, whereas before I would be in defense mode, viewing any criticism as judgement or ridicule. Her opinions are usually important to me now. 

I think I've come a long way in the time since our divorce. Having made friends and relationships during our separation and after the divorce helped me to see who I am, what I want to be, and what I won't put up with.

A couple of years ago, I was having a very difficult time coping with my life. My ex was one of the few people who truly gave me support, inspiring words, and encouragement.  In many ways, I think that when I really become interested in a certain woman, I still use my ex as a quality standard to measure her against. Except for music—we have very little in common when it comes to music! Nobody's perfect.

I do see her every once in a while.  Her family and I are still close and I'm still invited to birthday parties and the like.  When we see each other, it's like seeing any other close friend.  We can be serious, joke and tease each other.

And in case you're thinking, am I in love with her?  No.  Do I love her?  Yes, dearly. I have a deep respect for her and I hope we'll be friends for a very long time. It's awesome knowing that even though we weren't the best spouses for each other, we can still be great friends.