Still not a family man

A friend of mine posted on Facebook last night that she’s pregnant.  This is a friend with whom I had a conversation a few years back about marriage, and she had sworn she would never get married. She didn’t believe in the “institution” of it.  She was probably in her early to mid-20’s at the time. I’m not even sure she’s 30 yet.

Now she’s married, almost done with nursing school, and has a baby on the way. Even though I’ve hardly spoken to her in years, I am happy for her. To have a change on her outlook of life means hopefully brighter things could happen in my future as well.

But for today? I feel like a failure at becoming the family man I once thought I’d be. I can’t even hold a relationship.

Greater Purpose

Sometimes I get a strong sense to do something great. I don't know. A calling to get out of my comfort zone and make a difference. Even when I was younger, as far back as my teens, my desire to be rich wasn't so much that I could have expensive things (although they would be nice), it was so that I could help others or to travel to help others. Perhaps it was because of my fear/shyness that I felt I could better help out with money than with my own actions.

I still get that tug in the back of my mind to do something, anything, no matter how small. But as soon as I do, I'm distracted by things, everything, no matter how unimportant—TV, going out to eat, organizing my MP3 collection, the mundane habits I've developed for so long.

Maybe I'm scared. Of what though? What will I miss out on? Fun activities with my friends? Drinking with them? Going to movies with them? Inside jokes? Why should I care so much? Yeah, it's fun to do those things and be with my friends, but that shouldn't define me, and it definitely shouldn't hold me back. Shouldn't the satisfaction of doing something worthwhile outweigh the feeling of being left out?

Maybe that's my problem. I want to be involved in everyone's life so much, I feel lonely in this world when I'm... alone. It goes back to finding happiness within myself, not relying on others from which to derive it.